This Year, Will Your Money Be Yours?
As we take stock and make plans for the new year, think about your financial situation as an element of your relationship. Is it a point of pride or fear?
Most couples argue about money. According to budgeting expert Dave Ramsey, it’s the number-one thing married couples fight about and the second-leading cause of divorce. But when does arguing about money become financial abuse?
Up to 99% of victims of intimate partner violence experience financial abuse. [1] It’s not surprising. Domestic abuse is about control, and one of the best ways to control someone is by restricting their access to money. In fact, access to money is often the main reason someone can’t leave an abusive relationship.
Examples of financial abuse include:
- Stealing money from a partner
- Preventing a partner from accessing their own or a joint financial account
- Damaging possessions that have to be replaced
- Deciding in whose name a partner’s benefits or beneficiaries will be
- Taking out loans solely in a partner’s name
- Stopping a partner from going to work or getting a job
- Interfering with a partner’s work performance (frequent phone calls, unannounced visits)
- Demanding that the lease or mortgage be only in the abuser’s name
- Forcing someone to give up money, ATM cards or credit cards
The first step is learning to recognize the symptoms of financial abuse in your own relationship. Do any of these this sound familiar?
1. We don’t talk about money.
Ramsey Solutions found that almost 90% of couples who believe they have a great marriage say they both work together to set financial goals. Of couples who say their marriage is OK or in crisis, less than half do so. Which are you?
2. When I ask my partner about his money, he says I don’t trust him.
Partners who share funds have an equal right to know where those funds go. You don’t need to report every pack of gum you purchase, but big chunks of money shouldn’t remain unaccounted for. Even if you’re not strictly being lied to, your partner isn’t being honest dishonest when they “make vague answers, tell half-truths, and withhold feelings or information that’s important for the other partner to know – because not knowing deprives that person of freedom of choice and informed action.” [2]
3. My partner has made me take out a loan in my name for something he wanted, like a motorcycle.
Even if your partner promises to make the payments, a loan that’s in your name only makes you alone legally responsible for the debt. For example, one survivor paid for loans on a boat and a Jeep long after she left her abusive boyfriend because they were in her name only; he’d promised to keep paying his share, but often couldn’t quite get his money in on time. And why should he? It was her credit rating at stake, not his.
4. We have a joint account, but I don’t know our account numbers or PINs or where the checkbook is. And I think my partner has a separate account that’s only in his name.
A joint account is legally defined as a bank account held by more than one person, with each individual having the right to deposit and withdraw funds without the consent of the other (unless you see proof that it was set up differently). As such, you have the undisputed right to know how to access the money at all times, no matter who deposits it. In fact, you need to know how to do this in the event something happens to your partner.
These are just four scenarios that should make you question your financial arrangements. We can help you – anonymously – figure out if you are being financially abused and what you can do about it. Call us at any time 24/7 for a confidential, caring conversation: (317) 745-1496.
More info: The NCADV’s Quick Guide: Economic and Financial Abuse has an emergency exit button.
[1] National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
[2] Psychology Today, How Secrets and Lies Destroy Relationships, January 2018.
