Although awareness of domestic violence has been growing, it continues to be the source of myths and misunderstandings. Breaking the cycle of domestic violence starts with each of us. The more we know, the better prepared we’ll be to help.
What is domestic violence?
Domestic abuse can occur anywhere, to anyone, at any time.
What is domestic violence?
Domestic abuse, which is also called intimate partner violence or domestic violence, is the use of controlling or hurtful actions in a couple or dating relationship. A domestic abuser, or batterer, uses physical or sexual violence, emotional hurt, and/or threats to gain control through the victim’s fear.
Is domestic violence always physical?
Not always. Abusers can use physical, sexual, psychological, emotional, religious or financial abuse or control. Even if they don’t leave physical traces, the harm they do is every bit as severe.
Can domestic violence happen to anyone?
Yes. We see survivors from all income and education levels, from hourly workers to career professionals to college professors to stay-at-home parents. Though you may not know it, you work, socialize and attend church with domestic violence victims.
Can men be victims of domestic abuse?
Yes. More than 200 studies (and counting) have confirmed that in violent relationships, women are equally as likely to be the aggressors as men. Just as women have long fought to be believed when they report abuse, men face a similar fight – and similar biases and prejudices.
What is the cycle of abuse?
Typically, domestic violence becomes more frequent and severe as time passes. It typically follows a three-stage cycle, beginning with tension-building behavior such as criticism, yelling, angry gestures, coercion, and threats. Next, it expands into actual physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse, before the “honeymoon phase” in which the abuser apologizes, promises to change, and often buys gifts for the victim. Before long, the cycle begins again.
Why don’t victims just leave?
So many survivors say they lost themselves while in an abusive relationship. They struggle every day to reconcile happy times with terrifying times, loving behavior with violent acts and words. They want to believe promises. They may not have the financial resources to support the family alone. They’ve been forced to cut ties with family and friends. Their marriage vows said “til death do us part.” They feel guilty about abandoning someone they love who needs help. But the single biggest reason is fear: Too many are killed, sometimes along with their children or other family members, while trying to leave.
What should I do if I suspect abuse?
Your first instinct may be to rescue them, but is a dangerous approach to a volatile situation. The key to truly helping someone is being prepared before starting the conversation.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911 right now.
If you need help or more information – even if you don’t need emergency shelter – call us.
If you need assistance with other situations, such as financial or housing problems, contact Connect2Help by dialing 211. You’ll be connected with community resources for the help you need.
5 Rules for ‘Rescuing’ a Victim of Domestic Violence
1. Don’t talk to or in front of the abuser.
Never start the conversation in the presence of the abuser, never offer to talk to the abuser on your friend’s behalf – and as angry as you may feel, never confront the abuser. Your role is to provide comfort and support to your friend.
2. Ask, then listen.
Privately, start with gentle statements, such as, “You haven’t been yourself. I’m here if you want to talk.” Be prepared to do a lot of listening and very little speaking. It’s not easy for a victim to reveal details about this complex relationship. Be a quiet, sympathetic ear.
3. Believe the victim.
Abusers are skilled at creating doubt in the minds of others that they’re capable of abuse. If you try to figure out what provokes an abuser, you will subtly reinforce your friend’s own belief that they, not the abuser, cause the violent behavior. Simply keep your focus on supporting them.
4. Accept the victim’s state of mind.
Not everyone will be ready, able or willing to talk. If you push a victim to share things before they’re ready, you become just another person who is telling them what to do.
5. Offer resources.
It can be dangerous for a victim to look for resources, so do it for them. Find options your community offers: free legal advice, support groups, domestic violence shelters. Learn how to get a protective or restraining order. Help them make a safety plan. Be their trusted connection to the outside world.
Remember, you will be of most help if you assume the role of comforter, not defender. Our most well-meaning words and actions can devastate a person whose identity has been shattered by an abuser. The best way to avoid pitfalls is to remain focused on providing comfort and support.
[See How to Help Someone Who Might be a Victim of Abuse for helpful words and phrases]
We can help
Whether it’s referred to as domestic abuse, domestic violence, intimate partner violence or intimate terrorism (a new phrase), Sheltering Wings can talk with you about your fears for another. Call our 24/7 helpline at (317) 745-1496.
