I am a Friend or Relative

Love for another person can turn into anger, impatience, uncertainty and judgment when we learn they are being abused … when what they really need is comfort and support.

“When I told my sister he was abusing me, she got so angry and yelled at me for not telling her sooner. I hadn’t come to her for more blame. I wanted her to say she loved me.”

Admitting abuse takes tremendous courage. How you react to their vulnerability can affect whether they ever get help.

Your first responsibility is to say, “I believe you” – and mean it.

Domestic abuse is happening to someone you know

• 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience domestic violence. Your circle of family, friends and acquaintances is likely to include them.
• Physical violence is only one of the many kinds of domestic abuse – survivors also report experiences of verbal, emotional, spiritual, financial and electronic abuse.
• Domestic violence will stop only when caring people step in. Many survivors credit a “nosy” family member or friend as the person who saved their life.

3 Keys to Making a Difference

It’s easy to think we know what our friends and relatives should do, but you’ll be the most help when you choose to comfort.

1. Accept their situation as it is right now.

Your loved one may not be doing what you think they should, but that doesn’t make them wrong. Emotional, financial, health and dozens of other ties that pull on us all are fraught with tension and danger in an abusive relationship.

Leaving an abuser is never as simple as walking out the door. Without a safety plan and thoughtful preparation, leaving can be deadly.

2. Extend comfort, not judgment.

Even well-meant comments are often felt as blame and hurtful criticism. Remember, your friend is already in a manipulative, confusing environment. Don’t become just another person who tells them what to do. Offer support for whatever they decide and ask how you can help – watch the kids, find a nearby shelter, check into free legal counsel – and you’ll be giving them power to make their own decisions.

3. Deserve their trust.

If you’ve promised to be available, answer when they call or text. Check in every few days. Keep their secrets. Never confront the abuser or hint that you know something. Your loved one has opened their heart to you. Handle it with care.

Starting the conversation

If a friend or loved one hasn’t yet confided in you, proceed carefully. Your main goal is to show love and support. They don’t need to admit to being abused – they just need to know you see that they might be unhappy, and you’re available to talk if and when they have something to say.

Be considerate.

Ask if you can speak to them privately. If they say no, just say OK with a kind smile.

Be caring.

Say you’re worried about them and give an example or two why you feel this way.

Be patient.

Don’t pressure them to talk. This is about their needs, not yours. If they walk away knowing they can come back to you anytime, you’ve done the best you can do.

The most important thing is for you to be present. You may not even need to talk. Listening is powerful. In the event you do need to talk, here are a few things you should and shouldn’t say.