As each of us has traveled through this life, we’ve seen a lot of changes in society. What were once thought of as traditional roles for women and men now seem to be quaint anachronisms to many of us.
But one thing hasn’t changed. When you scrape your knee on a concrete sidewalk, when a flu bug knocks you off your feet, or when a peer treats you badly, you crave one thing above all others. You want your mother’s care. You want her reassuring words, her gentle touch, and the concerned expression that took on your fears so you didn’t have to be afraid any longer. Whenever you ran into real trouble, you ran to Mom. In fact, you’re probably experiencing a rush of memories as you read these words.
In most families, Mom is the bedrock. No matter how the daily tasks may be divided, Mom’s the one who keeps everyone fed, clothed, and out the door on time. She’s the one who notices when we’re a little down and who can make us laugh in the middle of a raging thunderstorm. Most of the time, we don’t even think twice about running to Mom in those desperate moments, because we know she’ll be there. Nor do we remember to thank her most of the time.
So what happens when Mom needs that kind of support? Who does Mom run to when she’s afraid or facing overwhelming despair? When Mom is living with domestic abuse, all too often she makes a conscious choice to just put up with it. She’s the provider and protector for others, she reasons. It’s her responsibility to look out for the rest of the family. She has to worry about the kids before she can take care of herself. And she wonders if maybe what she’s experiencing is really her own fault because she must be doing something wrong that is triggering the abuse.
It’s never easy for a woman to make the call to Sheltering Wings, or to walk through our door and ask for help. But it’s especially difficult when that woman is also Mom. Most mothers who come to us for help have waited for so long, because they were so focused on their family’s well-being that they neglected their own safety and their own needs. And once they arrive, it’s not unusual for them to express a strong degree of guilt, believing they’ve abandoned the role they were supposed to play — the bedrock of their family, the glue that held everything together.
It can be difficult to overcome that sense of guilt and the mindset leading victims to believe they’re somehow to blame, but through support groups, counseling, and one-on-one interactions, we help Mom learn that nobody deserves to be abused — and that all the blame rests with her abuser. We help her see that she cannot continue to be the bedrock of her family if she isn’t first taking care of her own needs.
Gradually, Mom comes to see the truth in the lessons we share and understands the difference between healthy and abusive relationships. She rediscovers who she is and what matters to her, and Mom begins to blossom. We see new confidence and willingness to grow. And through it all, Mom becomes the mother she always wanted to be, raising her children with love, respect, and an understanding of how family members should treat each other. It’s worth celebrating on Mother’s Day and all year long.
