“How’s your heart, Dad?”
My 15-year-old son asked me this question the other day. I squirmed. He tapped my chest, looked at me in the eye, and asked me again. “Really. How’s your heart?”
My heart wasn’t in the best place. I was burdened for a friend, stressed about a deadline, and frustrated my team had just lost. My heart wasn’t full of peace, joy, hope, or love at the moment.
I looked back at him. “I’m going to have to do this,” I reasoned. We sat down and talked about why I was preoccupied and how I was dealing with it. I apologized for my attitude. It was a teachable moment for him. It was humbling for me—and helpful. I walked away less burdened, more present, and grateful for a son’s innocent yet incisive and timely question.
Most teens won’t confide in their parents
They’ll talk to anyone other than mom or dad when something’s troubling them. They’ll tell friends, a coach, or a pastor … perhaps. If they feel isolated or alone, they will likely act out or internalize the pain. Neither option is good.
Teen dating violence is a subject young people are especially hesitant to talk about with mom and dad. To whom would your son or daughter turn in the not-so-unlikely event he or she was being abused?
Hope is not a strategy
How can we protect our sons and daughters from experiencing dating violence? How will we reach them if they have? I hope our children are never abused. I’m a big fan of hope. But, I, for one, am choosing a pro-active approach.
The best time to develop the skill of having heart-level conversations with your teen is today. Dads, you can’t force your sons and daughters to open up. But, you can sit on the edge of their bed tonight, look them in the eye, and ask to be invited into their hearts. The discomfort, the likelihood of rejection, the probability of one-word answers, and the time you invest doing it over and over again is worth it if they learn to trust you enough to confide in you if they are in an abusive relationship.
Why did my son ask about my heart?
He asked because his Mom and I have asked him about his heart 1,000 times. We want to know what he’s thinking, feeling, and experiencing. We want him to ask us the questions he’s wrestling with. And, he knows we’re not satisfied with one-word answers. So, he plays along
I think he’s actually learned to enjoy talking with us about what he’s feeling!
We’ve developed the habit of having heart-level conversations. Even if that means we are going to have to be honest with him when he asks about our heart, it’s worth it. He’s learning to trust us. To identify and deal constructively with his emotions. We believe these assets will bless him—and the people around him—for a lifetime.
Dads, if we want our kids to share their hearts—and think of the great risk to them if they won’t or can’t—we must ask and answer the heart-level questions. Then, we must listen well. We must resist the urge to judge or to fix everything. And, we must prayerfully and patiently support and guide them.
It is worth the effort.
Sincerely,
Kevin Carr
Communication Coordinator, Avon Schools
A Man IN Action
P.S. Dads, do you need an excuse to begin a conversation? February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. Here’s your chance. You can do it.
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