How can a classic song that is a staple on holiday playlists bring about such controversy? I can’t tell you how many gatherings I’ve attended where whether “Baby it’s Cold Outside” is about consent has been a hot topic. In the #MeToo movement momentum, the issue has escalated to a nationwide debate.
I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Whether you enjoy or approve of the song is secondary. What matters most is this debate is prompting a conversation that needs to occur among teens and adults alike.
At first blush, the song is a flirty call-and-response duet debating about whether she should stay or go. After all, it is cold outside, and the evening has been grand. But what will her parents and the neighbors think? If interpreted critically, the lyrics take a chilling turn. What’s in this drink? …I simply must go…the answer is no. The man’s refusal to take her “no” as no is at the heart of the debate.
The debate isn’t only about this song. It’s more about a culture war over sexual assault and consent. How does one interpret this type of a conversation in the midst of that war? One may perceive the moment as flirty and playing hard-to-get with an open window of opportunity. However, the intent may be a hard no, but they are trying to save face and package it in a playful way.
Let’s be real. Those moments happen and they are tough to decipher. Each year, we spend weeks in local middle and high schools talking about teen dating violence and healthy relationships. At one point in the presentation, the discussion turns to consent: “There is only one response in a relationship that means yes. ‘No’ means no. ‘I don’t know’ means no. The only answer that means yes is ‘yes’.”
This is such an important concept for both teens and adults to understand and respect. We encourage people to have conversations about how far they are willing to go when they are not in the heat of the moment. This allows for a rational conversation about boundaries, one not clouded by emotions and hormones.
It makes me think about the passage in Matthew 5 where Jesus talks with the crowd about the importance of being a person of your word. In verse 37 he says, “Let your ‘yes’ be yes and your ‘no’ be no.” Essentially he’s saying, “Say what you mean and be clear about it!”
A healthy relationship is built on trust and mutual respect. We should trust the other person enough to know they are looking out for our good and want what is best for us. On the other hand, they should respect us enough that when there are cues suggesting we are uncomfortable or uncertain, they seek clarification and hit pause until there is certainty. This takes a lot of self-discipline and maturity, but it isn’t unreasonable. It doesn’t mean relationships can’t be flirty or playful; that’s part of the fun. However, in those moments, we should be abundantly clear of the intent and wishes of the other person.
So, the next time this debate comes up, I suggest you take the focus off the song. No one is entirely sure of the intent or situation. Instead, use it as an opportunity to talk about the larger and infinitely more important issue of consent and sexual assault. Let’s heighten one another’s awareness about what is appropriate in relationships and help foster a culture built on trust, honor, and respect.
