For most of us, the holidays are a joyous time of year, as we catch up with family and friends to share each other’s company, eat more than we probably should, and exchange all manner of gifts. However, for those in relationships affected by domestic violence or who are trying to recover from such relationships, the holidays create higher levels of stress and may even subject them to higher levels of danger.
If you know someone who’s in or recently ended an abusive relationships, being aware of the factors that create added danger and stress, and knowing what you can do to reduce both, is a way you can make this time of year safer.
The first step is simply keeping the lines of communication open. Being around friends and family can help someone who’s been a victim heal. Be sure to reach out to the person regularly and encourage them to attend activities with others. If they seem hesitant, it may be they are actually afraid, so they may need extra support. For example, you can offer to bring them to and from the event, so they don’t have to depend on the abuser for travel or expose themselves to danger.
A key element of communication is having a code word the individual can use on the phone in the abuser’s presence. Agree on the word and what it means in advance. Depending upon the circumstances, it may be a request for you to come over, or to call the police.
If the abusive partner will participate in parties, travel, or other gatherings, talk to the individual to determine what will make the situation safer. For example, if the abuser’s behavior becomes worse after drinking, it may make sense to make it an alcohol-free event or control how much is served. If the person is uncomfortable sharing a room with the abuser, make alternative arrangements for sleeping.
Often, abusers will attempt to control the individual by staying close to them all the time or limiting their contact with friends or family members. One way around this is to invite the individual to go shopping or to an event with you. When alone with the person, he or she will be able to speak more freely. Sometimes it can be helpful to prevent times when the abuser and the individual are left alone together.
Be sure to pay attention to the individual’s well-being … as well as your own. It can be stressful and overwhelming to be around when you know someone in being abused. You may not be able to fix the situation or completely prevent abuse, but you can ask the individual about their needs and how you can help. Make sure you get rest and any help you need so you’re in a better position to help others.
