Ryan was a catch. Everyone said so. Handsome, athletic, and smart, he quickly won her family over with natural charm and the kind of politeness that’s all too rare today. From the moment they made eye contact in sophomore Spanish to their first formal date, it was an exciting and exhausting whirlwind — the “knocked off my feet” she dreamed about in younger years.
Her friends were insanely jealous, but admitted the pair were a cute couple. To their classmates, they seemed to be made for each other and were experiencing the kind of love everyone wanted to have. Her parents fretted that things were happening quickly, but agreed that when the time was right, Ryan would make a great son-in-law. Their daughter was in a magical romance.
She was stunned when he slapped her the first time. It had been an ordinary conversation, talking about weekend plans, and she had mentioned that she didn’t want to do something. He apologized for the slap (while protesting it was really her fault for provoking him), and after some tears, all was well again. Until three days later. And two days after that.
By springtime, she didn’t make any plans without clearing them with him first. She had stopped hanging out with the girls who had been her besties since fourth grade, and she spent more time at his house than hers. Never knowing what might provoke an outburst, she tiptoed around his moods. When they weren’t together, he demanded to know her whereabouts. If she didn’t respond to his first text, a volley of additional ones would follow. The outbursts became more frequent and more physical, each followed by promise it would be the last.
She told him they needed to break up and claimed that her parents thought she should wait until college for such a serious relationship. He was furious. She did her best to avoid him, but he was relentless. Her phone buzzed dozens of times a day and voice mails began to accumulate. Angry texts would alternate with pleading ones. No matter where she was, he would show up. While studying at a friend’s house, she looked out the window and saw his car parked across the street.
You may be aware that one in four women will become the victim of domestic abuse at some point in her lifetime. What you may not know is that much of the violence will begin while the woman is in high school or college, just beginning to date.
We’ve heard similar stories again and again at teen dating violence workshops, on our 24-hour crisis line, and from our residents. Teen dating violence is a far bigger issue than most people realize, but fear and shame keep it hidden from many. Domestic violence is about power and control, and women may mistake abusive behavior as flawed expressions of love.
The best way to combat teen dating violence is to bring it to the forefront and educate teens, parents, and others in the community. We’ve developed a resource card for parents that can help them identify the red flags that suggest their daughter (or their son) may be in an unhealthy, abusive relationship. It also offers tips for starting conversations with their teens, and knowing where to turn for help.
If you’re a teen in an abusive relationship — or you know someone who is — it’s important to get help as soon as possible. Abusive behavior escalates over time. It almost never improves. Understanding the dangers and taking steps for protection are important. If you need support, don’t delay. Call our 24-hour help line at 317-745-1496.
