Qualities of a Unhealthy Relationship

One thing’s certain: You can’t make someone else change. If the other person chooses not to respect you, then consider taking action. Here are some of the signs you’re in an unhealthy (potentially abusive) relationship:

Relationship Spectrum
  • Dishonesty: Lies, lies by omission, “forgets” to tell you repeatedly
  • Lack of trust: Checks your phone, keeps you away from friends, requires you to report your activities, demands your passwords
  • Disloyal : Doesn’t stay faithful, talks about you behind your back, flirts with others
  • Uncompromising: Won’t try to see your side, most things have to be their way (they know best, you just don’t get it)
  • Quick to anger: Gets mad when you disagree, pressures you to give in, yells, threatens, accuses you of things.
  • Disrespect: Ignores or makes fun of you or your boundaries, friends, interests, etc.
  • Unconcern: Puts you in positions where you don’t feel safe or cared for
  • Not fun: Takes the fun out of being together
  • Unsupportive: Fails to cheer you on at your extracurricular events, belittles you when you have things that are important to you or give you space to enjoy things outside the relationship
  • Isolation: Makes you feel like you don’t need anyone except them, demands you choose them or your friends/family because “you can’t have both”

Relationship Spectrum

A healthy relationship means both you and your partner are:

  • Communicating openly and honestly
  • Respectful 
  • Trusting
  • Supportive
  • Treating each other as equals
  • Enjoying time apart from each other
  • Making choices together
  • Honoring each other’s boundaries

Your relationship might be unhealthy (or even toxic) if your partner is:

  • Not communicating
  • Disrespectful
  • Untrustworthy or doesn’t trust you
  • Doesn’t value your opinion or ideas
  • Trying to control you
  • Dishonest
  • Doesn’t want to spend time apart
  • Extremely jealous
  • Pushes your boundaries

You are in an abusive relationship if your partner:

  • Threatens or intimidates you
  • Verbally tears you down
  • Blames you for everything
  • Manipulates you
  • Physically hurts you
  • Isolates you from other people
  • Makes you afraid
  • Crosses your boundaries

More Qualities of an Unhealthy Relationship

  • The Social Media Spiral (or, ‘Just because I love you doesn’t mean you get my passwords.’)

Technology is an often-overlooked but important place for boundaries. Prevent problems before they start by setting yours early. 

Consider these example statements: 

  • If you text me, I might not be able to respond right away. Please don’t keep texting me. I’ll hit you back as soon as I can.
  • I make it a rule not to share any passwords – to my phone, my social accounts, not even my locker combination/key – with anybody.
  • I don’t want either of us to have to check in whenever we’re not together. It doesn’t mean we don’t care; it means we respect and trust each other.
  • We might or might not want ourselves tagged in pictures, so we’ll ask before posting.
  • It is/is not OK for you to follow my friends on social.

Love bombing is when a relationship that seems like a fairy tale begins to reveal its true purpose: CONTROL.

Learn how to spot a love bomber — and how to get away safely. 

When Does “Unhealthy” Become “Abusive”?

Abuse of any kind is never your fault. No one deserves to be abused. No one has the right to abuse another.

You can be abused and not even know it. We can miss the warning signs when we love someone, and there are many types of abuse:

  • Physical
  • Emotional/Mental/Verbal
  • Sexual
  • Digital
  • Economic

Try this quiz. If you answer “yes” to even one of these questions about your partner, you may be the victim of abuse:

  • Are you afraid of what they’ll do if they get mad?
  • Do they say they’re doing you a favor by staying with you (“no one else could love you”)?
  • Do you feel controlled or intimidated?
  • Do they follow or spy on you, leave threatening notes, texts or phone messages, make you turn on location sharing 24/7, or call to check a lot?
  • Do they insult you, call you names or say you are/make you feel stupid, useless, unworthy, etc.?
  • Do they pressure or force you to perform sexual acts?
  • Have they EVER hit, slapped, pushed, yanked on, kicked or injured you in anger, even lightly (and even if they later said they were “just playing around”)?
  • Have they threatened physical harm if you leave/break up with them?
  • Have they damaged (or threatened) your personal belongings as punishment, pressure or to get a reaction?
  • Have they threatened to hurt or kill you, someone you love, a pet or themselves if you do/don’t act as they wish?
  • Do they threaten you or those you love with weapons or other objects?

STOP! If you answered “yes” to even one of these questions, talk to your parents or another adult you trust—you can call our 24/7 helpline at (317) 745-1496 or message Teens That Talk on Instagram (link to the Teens That Talk Instagram) and let’s get your life back. Immediately avoid being alone with your partner, always carry a cell phone, save threatening or harassing texts and social media messages, and create a safety plan. [link to safety plan guide]