Young people don’t always recognize they’re in an abusive relationship.
“My story begins when I was 15.”
The 17-year-old girl looked out over the audience of teens and tweens. Some she knew, some she didn’t. She’d switched high schools to get away from her past, yet here she was, about to share the most painful experiences of her life so that one or two others might learn how to keep them out of their own.
“I was a freshman when I met Austin after Winter Break. We started talking through text and Instagram, never in person. He made me feel beautiful. He became my best friend.”
When they started dating in person a month later, Sheree still didn’t know too much about Austin beyond his favorite color and foods. She just knew how his words made her feel. But that would start changing right away, when he wanted to have a physical relationship.
By then, Sheree loved Austin. But at just 15 years old and having kissed only one boy in her life, she told Austin she wasn’t ready. A mere week later, his patience ran out.
“He punched the wall. He told me I was being stupid. He didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. He began pressuring me and threatening to leave.
“Austin had a hold on me. He made me believe I couldn’t live without him. He would say that if we broke up, no guy would ever find me attractive. He made me feel bad about everything. He got mad at me for what I wore. He got mad at me for talking to a guy, even a friend. He would yell at me and put me down. Everything was my fault.
“I started to be afraid of him.”
The first crisis occurred on Prom Night. After what Sheree thought was a fun evening with friends, Austin berated her for staring at another guy during a slow dance.
“I walked around downtown sobbing. And that’s when Austin decided we would have sex for the first time.
“He didn’t ask. He didn’t let me say no. Since I had messed up and looked at another guy, I owed him. In the backseat of his car that night, he took something away from me I will never get back.”
Sex became a means of power and control.
“Whenever Austin wanted to have sex, we would. I was too scared to say no. He was shoving me into walls, desks, whatever, then saying it was a joke. It really hurt. He’d yell at me over the phone and in front of other people. He’d grab me by the shoulders and shake me, and I’d ache for hours. He’d put both hands around my neck and squeeze. I’d cover the bruises so no one could see them, including myself, but they were there.”
To Sheree’s astonishment, Austin decided they should have a baby “so we’d always be together,” he said.
“I didn’t want a baby. I was 15! But he didn’t care. He tried to make sure I got pregnant, yet when I thought I was, he didn’t seem happy. As we were leaving the store after buying a pregnancy test, he grabbed my shoulder and hissed into my ear, ‘This is all your fault!’”
Sheree wasn’t pregnant, but the sex on-demand continued. She began disobeying her parents so they could see each other every day. When her parents forced them to take a break, she continued to contact Austin through text and Snapchat … until her parents found out.
“They read all the messages and told me I had to stop dating him. They saw things I couldn’t … endless conversations of Austin being mad at me for not wearing the right clothes, not being able to see him, ruining his summer, insisting I lie to my parents.”
The couple didn’t have any contact for two weeks. When school started again, Sheree’s first thought on seeing Austin was how much happier she’d been when he wasn’t around. But he again got control through pressure, flaunting the no-contact, zero-tolerance rules established by her parents and the dean.
“Of course, we got caught. I was suspended, and Austin was expelled. That didn’t stop us, either. Using friends, we’d FaceTime before and after school every day. And I cried through every call because he’d yell at me for not texting him enough during the day.”
Sheree started asking God for a sign: Should I stay in this relationship?
She got two: First, she lost the promise ring Austin had given her. Second, a friend told her Austin was dating another girl.
“I don’t know for how long. He could’ve been cheating on me for months. I told him I couldn’t be with him anymore. He finally ended the phone call saying it was his choice to break up. He still needed power and control.”
The months that followed were a turning point for Sheree. She’d been holding back in the therapy she’d been getting since late summer; now, she knew she needed help.
“Therapy has truly been a lifesaver for me. On top of what happened with Austin, I was bullied at school for the rest of my sophomore year, with people calling me a whore and a slut. They never let me move forward from that relationship.”
“I still struggle. I have bad memories of my relationship. I have anxiety attacks and nights when I can’t sleep because I’m scared Austin is going to hurt me. Now, though, I accept that I was in a relationship of emotional, physical and sexual abuse. And I want other teens who get into a toxic relationship to know that they’re not alone.
“If anyone feels they are in an unhealthy relationship or has been in one, please tell someone you trust. If you feel like a friend is in an unhealthy relationship, please tell someone you trust. Don’t be afraid to get help. Abuse is real and more prevalent in our world than most people know. If you want to talk to me, please do.
“You are not alone.”
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Sheree (not her real name) is a past member of the Sheltering Wings Youth Council, Teens That Talk. This is an abridged version of a talk she gave at a local high school. The Council educates young people and school policymakers about recognizing and preventing teen dating abuse.
