Brooke seemed happy with her live-in boyfriend. Then her co-workers started noticing comments in her conversation that seemed a little off. “I had to change three times before Rafe let me leave me the house this morning. He has a much better sense of fashion than I do.” “I can’t get Cokes at lunch anymore. Rafe says restaurants make way too much money off of them.” “I can’t go for drinks. If I’m not home by 6, Rafe will flip out. He gets so worried.”
Was Brooke being abused? Even if Rafe wasn’t hitting her – and the friends never saw any signs of physical violence – was he controlling her? Should they do something about it?
This could happen to any of us. What would you do if you suspected a friend was being abused?
Recognizing and Responding to the Signs
At Sheltering Wings, we talk about domestic abuse in the community and try to teach people to recognize the signs. Acting on those signs, though, is a formidable prospect.
Though you probably want to storm in and rescue the victim, doing so can be extremely dangerous for everyone involved, especially for the victim. No one knows what an abuser will do when confronted. (It’s why law enforcement considers domestic violence calls one of their most dangerous responsibilities.) No one knows if a victim will deny the abuse in front of the abuser. And no one knows what will happen behind closed doors when the abuser and victim are alone again.
The key to truly helping your friend is preparing yourself before starting the conversation. Here are five things to know before approaching any potential domestic violence victim.
Caveat: If you see or hear domestic violence or child abuse as it’s occurring, the federal Health and Human Services Office of Women’s Health says to call 911. “Don’t worry about whether the couple or person will be angry with you for calling. It could be a matter of life or death, and it’s better to be safe than sorry,” says their website.
5 Rules for ‘Rescuing’ a Victim of Domestic Violence
1. Don’t talk to or in front of the abuser.
Never start the conversation in the presence of the abuser. In addition, never offer to talk to the abuser on your friend’s behalf – and as angry as you may feel, never confront the abuser. Your role is to provide comfort and support to your friend, not figure out why the abuser acts the way they do. Besides, doing so risks making things worse.
2. Ask, then listen.
When you can speak privately, start with gentle, open-ended questions, such as, “You haven’t been yourself. Do you want to talk about it? I’m here if you do.” Be prepared to do a lot of listening and very little talking. It’s not easy for a victim to reveal details about this complex relationship. At this point, you’re offering comfort and a sympathetic ear if and when they’re ready.
3. Believe the victim.
Abusers are skilled at acting very differently outside the home than they do inside, creating doubt in the minds of others that they’re capable of abuse. This is simply another form of control and gaslighting. If you try to figure out what provokes an abuser, you will subtly reinforce your friend’s own belief that they cause the abusive behavior. They may think you believe it’s their fault. Simply accept what they say and keep your focus on supporting them.
4. Accept the victim’s state of mind.
Some victims don’t realize they are being abused. Others deny it for a long time. Many are too afraid or feel too powerless to talk about it. Some want to protect the abuser; after all, it’s someone they love. To avoid the risk of sounding judgmental, accept your friend’s state of mind, whatever it is at that moment. If you push a victim to share things before they’re ready, you become just another person who is telling them what to do – and undermining their already low self-confidence.
5. Offer resources.
It can be dangerous for a victim to look for resources online. Many abusers check phone and Internet browsing histories without warning and can become enraged if their victim is seeking help. You can do the research for them. Find options in your community: free legal advice, support groups, domestic violence shelters. Learn how to get a protective or restraining order. Help them make a safety plan. Come up with a code word or signal they can use to notify you if things are escalating. Be their trusted connection to the outside world.
Your desire to help someone who you suspect is being abused is laudable, and you can be of most help if you assume the role of comforter, not vigilante. Our most well-meaning words and intentions can devastate a person whose identity has been shattered by an abuser. The best way to avoid pitfalls is to remain focused on providing comfort and support.
Suggested Phrases
For questions to ask someone who you think might be abused, visit shelteringwings.org/is-this-abuse. Or, contact our 24/7 helpline at (317) 745-1496.
Thank you for caring. You may be the difference-maker for someone who simply cannot see a way out.
