It’s not that easy.
Believe me. I’ve been there. And I think I’m pretty darn smart.
My Mom and I stopped getting along when I was 13. By the time I was 17, we could barely speak to one another, and I had days when I couldn’t stand up from a stomach clenched with stress.
I always seemed to disappoint her. So when a boyfriend who wanted to leave his physically abusive father suggested we get an apartment together, I was all in.
I soon saw that abuse is often learned at home.
He didn’t hit me for a long time. He’d throw things at me and push me around, but his main tool was mental abuse. Every day for 10 years, this man I loved told me I was stupid and worthless. Yes, I stayed for 10 years. I thought it was me, you know; I could never please my Mom, I couldn’t please my first serious boyfriend, I couldn’t please this man. I was the common denominator.
Not long after he backhanded me across the face in public, he decided to “teach me a lesson” and kicked me out of our apartment. I left and went to a shelter. I couldn’t think straight anymore. I’d been putting myself through college and holding down a full-time job during all this, and I could not figure out what to do.
I can still remember the dark-haired young woman in the flowered dress who looked at me and said, “It’s not you. He’s abusive,” and handed me a list of things abusive people do.
That small action changed my life.
I didn’t really start to get over the experience until I began forcing myself to say the words “I forgive him” every day, even before I meant them. I’m not sure I mean them still, 30 years later. But after getting help, I remembered that yeah, I am pretty darn smart.
Since then, I was married to a man without a mean bone in his body. We had two children who are the blessings of my life. I have had a fulfilling career and now support myself as a contract copywriter. I got an amicable divorce, and I’m now with a wonderful man who absolutely treasures me.
It’s not easy to leave an abusive situation.
An abuser shatters our sense of self beyond recognition. We need people like those at Sheltering Wings to be there when we reach out for help – especially now, when victims are trapped in their homes with their abusers during this pandemic.
If you need help, call our 24/7 helpline at (317) 745-1496. It’s not your fault and you deserve better.
